7
The Fall of the Bigfoot Believer & Welfare Tupperware
Ah yes, what ever happened with Trevor, the Bigfoot Believer, the owner of that hefty and healthy piece of equipment? After that night of well-executed pleasure and marginal cooking, he was smart enough to not suffocate me with texts. But his smarts soon expired.
I couldn’t bring myself to invite him to my place. Not only is this place tiny, but my neighbors might actually see this guy, and he would start a conversation with them. Oh, the horror. I like to position myself for a fast getaway. I back into parking spots to give myself the easy out. Sage advice from Grandma Jo.
I relive the delicious sexual episode over and over for the next few days. I’m sure I’m not alone in that practice. I was thinking of all kinds of other things I could do to him, with him and for him. I hit him up via text, and he answered with too many ‘darlings.’ Red Flag! Remember how this whole arrangement was all about ‘adult play, no strings, nothing serious’? Doesn’t sound like he does.
I enjoy wearing dresses, skirts and nylons or tights. Putting on perfume and feeling girly, especially since I don’t do that for work anymore. I felt a little silly when I got there the next time and saw all the glaring examples of what I could not live with. But hey, I don’t have to be here long! Then he started talking and talking and talking, telling me his whole life story. For God Sakes. Way to kill my buzz, buddy.
He said things like ‘when you meet my parents.’ What?!? But the real nail in the coffin was when he went on a long and winding road to explain all his past relationships. He started with his high school girlfriend of many decades ago, I shit you not!! Then he went on to drag out the details of his last serious relationship. At this point, I’m thinking, ‘you complete fucking donkey.’ I was going to be his ‘go-to girl,’ and now I’m the ‘I gotta GO!’ girl.
Without completely divulging what ruined the perfect bulge, I will say his story was saturated with racism. It really reminded me that because I live in such a white-populated area, I may not see the racism of another white person in action. At one point, while trying to justify his shitty behavior, he asked me, ‘They are different from us, right?’ I thought, ‘That’s a pretty loaded question Trev’ He tried to change gears but never recovered… so I voted with my feet.
I had other stuff going on that week and meant to text or call him and say something like, ‘How could you ruin a perfectly good thing?’ or ‘Sorry I can’t have sex anymore with someone as backward as you.’ or ‘I could overlook the instant mashed potatoes but not your view on humans with dark skin.’ But I forgot to until the end of the week, and by that time, he had blocked me.. So that’s that.
What about those terms, the ‘go-to girl’ and the ‘bootie call boy,?’ When there is a physical attraction, but you can’t take them seriously for more than a series of hot sessions? That was not acceptable as far as how I was brought up, but logistically, it sure fits the bill on occasion. Problems arise when one person feels that this could be ‘the one,’ and the other one thinks that this is the one for right now.
I think that the whole ‘soul mate’ idea is a load of crap. I am not cynical. I do believe in love. I also happen to believe that the vast universe can plop another brave contestant in your lap when you aren’t busy feeling sorry for yourself about the one that got away. Waiting for someone else to fulfill you or complete you is the ‘opposite of smart’ as my dad would say.
Sure, lick your wounds, think about what you learned about yourself and take some time to savor the moments when you felt great about yourself and your life while you were with that person. Then make a choice to put your attention on the present. Make a point to find things to be in awe of all around you. Things that are much bigger than yourself and your life. If it was a notably messy break up, all the more reason to not spend anymore of your precious life energy on it. You get to choose how much more time that particular event takes up of your life.
Now here’s an idea: Treat yourself as you would treat your very best friend that you just love to be with, no matter what you guys are doing, whether it’s going out for smashed samosas or cleaning out a foul fridge.
That friend who uses humble bread bags to cover food in her fridge instead of plastic wrap. Admire her splendid selection of welfare Tupperware. The collection she made up of yogurt and cottage cheese containers that cost her nothing and are easily replaceable by buying the same foods she does anyway. She’s a Goddamn genius, after all!
You and that best friend can customize those cheap, boring pizza pops into something truly grand. The ones that your kid called Hindu Pops after sharing a room at the hospital with Kishan, the kid from Surrey. Add lots of cheese and canned pineapple because pineapple DOES belong on pizza. Spoil her with that egg-battered eggplant fried in butter, topped with slices of ripe tomato and a copious mound of cheap parmesan. Ten dollars at Walmart can buy you a chunk of parm to choke a horse.
You and that best friend can giggle, when she tells you how she sneezed and squirted a little pee into her pajamas, and then she changed into the clean pair that were hanging up to dry. But the fresh pair was a little damp in the crotch too, and for a moment, she couldn’t remember if she actually changed her jimjams or just thought about it.
Yes, That’s the best friend who had the fourth-degree episiotomy that wasn’t in time to save her first son, that 8 and half lb blue baby boy who was strangled after way too many hours of labor with a couple of misguided doulas. She fell into a black hole after that. You were there even if she couldn’t see you or hear you. pssst… care for yourself as you would someone you really care about.
That best friend’s here now when you have sensations of perimenopause and menopause, while remembering being so strong that you would never feel tired or weak as you sometimes do now. She knows about all those feelings buzzing around in your head. You just may find that taking such good care of yourself can bring other relationships that reflect that level of loving kindness…
it’s so crazy, it just might work.
I remember my mom during menopause telling me that her doctor explained that her hormones were bubbling to the top of her head and popping out of her scalp, causing dandruff. I have no idea if that was a delusion; and if it was, was it hers, mine, or her doctor’s. I do remember thinking that IUDs are in the top 10 inventions of all time, and I still do.
Why do women apply lipstick outside of their lip lines before, during, or after menopause? It never really looks like their lips are fuller than they are. Instead, it looks like they’ve admitted that their own lips are inferior and not deserving of attention as they are.
I saw this guy in the FB dating app who literally has no lips. Visualize a Muppet, someone like Beaker or Dr. Bunsen. Why, Mother Nature, WHY?!? It’s not right! I sent a screenshot of this guy to my upstairs neighbor, Symone, who is delightfully obnoxious and has big beautiful lips, hair, and booty. I heard her stomp her foot a few times. She texted me back ‘Keep your white lipless wonders to yourself! LMFO (with 3 !)’ I can’t kiss a guy with no lips. Spit leaks out, not sexy. Well, I’m sure there’s someone who will love that lipless wonder…right?
I have a clean who uses Coco Chanel bath products. Her bathroom always smells divine. I love stepping into it. I would like to study the psychology of smells. What makes cheap ‘body spray’ smell cheap? Why do teenagers love it? Why do the most expensive personal care products smell so amazing? Are there specific ‘notes’ that trigger sensations that we equate with comfort, opulence and wealth?
And what the hell is fabric softener anyway? Is it conditioner for your clothes? I’m too cheap to use it, whatever it is. Some of these bathrooms have a daunting arsenal of beauty products. I see the recent craze of bountiful beard products and ball trimmers and think of how merchandisers are just wetting themselves, laughing all the way to the bank now that men see that they also need countless products to be attractive. Don’t get me wrong, the right beard oil can make everything right.