12. Legit Cleaning Tips

Alexine gives you the nitty gritty on cleaning; it's more interesting than you might expect. She brags about her new arrangement for hair care.
She gets into the dollars and (non) cents of her (soon to be EX) boss' business. 
She describes the right time and place to get a cocaine habit. 

SFX from Artlist, Zapsplat,  and Freesound.org; 
Specifically: WolfieRankin, ShimSewn, Reitanna, HeyMelzy 

Credit:
Black Christmas (1974)
Inside Out (2015)
Batman, (1966)
Ghosts N Stuff, deadmau5
Taxman, The Beatles
The Golden Child (1986) 

Written, narrated and produced by AMY FRAHM SHARP
For more info: https://alexinereads.com
Artwork BRAD COLLINS https://bradcollinsart.com/portfolio/...
https://www.instagram.com/alexinecleans/
...

Transcript

12 Legit Cleaning Tips  

Ready for some cleaning tips from a paid house cleaner, as opposed to a mere resident? Did you notice I did not say ‘housewife’? If you reside in a place with an indoor toilet, no matter if your personal plumbing is inside or out, you should be able and willing to clean that toilet. The same goes for knowing how to use a plunger to unclog a toilet. A basic life skill. 

When cleaning a bathroom’s toilet, shower &/or tub, sink, counter and mirror and floors, start with the least dirty thing and make sure you do the sink as the last fixture, then the mirror (don’t want to splash water on a pristine mirror!)  and then the floors. I watched some rookie reclean the sink three times over the course of a master bathroom clean. What are you doing to yourself? 

When you’re cleaning the toilet, remember the handle! After you’ve scrubbed that bowl with the toilet brush, flush it twice to rinse that brush and then whack the brush four or five times to shake all the water out of it. If you’re a little over zealous like me, you may break the handle off with your super human strength. 

 I keep my work toilet brush in a plastic bread bag in my cleaning bag of tricks. Yummy, I know! But if you’re cleaning your own crapper with the brush that lives next to it, be sure to get it as dry as possible before you put it back in its chic Vesimi holder, Mmkay? Or you will have a soup of live bacteria, yarf. And clean the brush  holder too, crazy idea, right? After the bowl, you spray your all purpose cleaner all over the seat, the rim, and the handle. Then wipe it repeatedly, until it’s nearly dry, with your often-rinsed and relentlessly squeezed out sponge. 

Don’t use those flimsy sponges that you can’t really squeeze out. They leave too much water on surfaces. You want very little moisture left to air dry off of toilet components or to polish off chrome fixtures. Be sure that the drains of the shower, tub and sink are scrubbed shiny, clean of water stains, and hair. I never heard the term ‘dead mouse’ until I got to BC. It’s that gooey hairball you pull out of a drain, quite fitting!

At the very end of your cleaning regime, sit on the toilet seat or the edge of the bathtub and really look at everything. Are there any streaks on the underside of the sink faucet to polish away with a soft cloth? Same with the mirror, look at it from different angles, with the light both on and off. Really look at things. 

Dollar store micro cloths are usually bunk. Old T-shirts work great. Treat yourself and get a few jute polishing cloths, you’re worth it! I haven’t bought any yet. It’s a life goal; I’m working on it. Remember to empty the bathroom garbage too. Be sure you keep it away from the family dog as they love to chew on used tampons, disgusting I know! I empty all the garbages from the surrounding rooms into the biggest garbage container. Then I take that out with the kitchen garbage, the compost and the recycling at the end of the clean. 

I don’t use Windex because a damp sponge and a good polishing cloth is usually all you need. Less is more.  Windex is handy if you want to clean a bit of haircolor off your forehead or ear. True story.

I’ve used water to damp mop a floor because I didn’t have my fav watered down all purpose cleaner. When a client’s in-law asked what I used, I bullshitted that it was a special enzyme cleaner, odorless and colorless. Most of the world’s problems are water soluble anyway. Just add elbow grease. That’s the winning combination and cheap like borscht!  

In my main vein of cheapness, I texted my hairdresser Jenna to see if I could leverage my elbow grease into her professional services instead of continuing to color my own hair with a half of a box of whatever brand is on sale. She said yes, and I’m saved from my cheap-ass self! And being pampered at a salon is just plain good for you.  

While I was waiting for the freshly applied high quality hair color to return my dignity to me, I overheard a guy talking about his daughter. He was quite handsome, stylish in his streetwear (nothing like my wardrobe),  and probably pushing 40. When his hairdresser asked ‘How old?’, he answered cheerily ‘16! She really has a blossoming personality, so sassy!’ 

I held myself back from saying something witty about teenagers long enough to realize he was talking about a 16 month old. Sheesh. Dodged embarrassment just barely. As I sat there and thought about getting more buck for my body pain, I crunched some numbers on my boss / not boss and her arrangement with all of her subcontractor peons.  

With 65 minions working an average of 25 hours a week, not even full time, that’s 1,625 hours at $11 per hour (that’s the difference between what she charges her clients and what she pays us donkeys) for a total of $17,875 a week. What are her expenses? She covers the insurance on each of her 65 minions at an annual fee of $500. That’s $32,500 yearly or $625 per week. A boring as shit website that couldn’t possibly cost more than $500 a month, that’s $125 a week to maintain. Two of the crappiest WartMall (you heard that right, WartMall) drag-a-can vacuums at $75 each for $150 a month or $40 a week. And that’s only if she’s replacing them monthly, which she mos def is not. 

To be clear, she doesn’t supply vacuums but will if the client doesn’t have one.  Each cleaner supplies their own cleaning products. She doesn’t pay for advertising, only does the free posts on sites like Craigslist. A bookkeeper, who doesn’t have to figure out withholding taxes or EI or anything other than number of hours multiplied by hourly wage of $18 per hour on the 1st and the 15th of the month, who we are going to graciously give $2,500 a month, $625 a week. Annual business license and other odd expenses could spread out to a weekly expense of $100. No storefront or any of those associated costs. What a dream!

So where does that take us for a week:

 $625 staff / contractor insurance

 $125 website maintenance 

   $40 vacuum 

 $625 bookkeeper

 $100 business lic etc

$1,515 total expenses from gross revenue of $17,875 for a weekly profit of over Ding Ding Ding $16,000!!

That’s approximately $850,000 yearly profit! Maybe I’m spacing out on some obvious expenses. Let’s take a hundred grand off that: still over $750,000. What the actual fuck?!? What other businesses have a margin like that? Food and beverage sure as shit does not. 

No wonder she looks like she has a cocaine habit. If I had cash flow like that,  I would give serious thought to getting one! Maybe hubby has a business that loses money hand over fist. The house, the furniture, the cars, the decent but plain RV in the driveway don’t look like there’s this kind of income rushing through it. Maybe they are dumping it into real estate and ecstasy. So crazy, it just might work.   

I gotta say, my throbbing shoulder is leaning toward ‘Kiss My Ass Goodbye, Boss / Not Boss’. I’m going to take my aching shoulders to work for myself, not you. 

Don’t get me wrong, if you’ve figured out a way to have such an obscenely profitable business without taking advantage of others, good on you. 

As of right now, I’m going to gingerly mention to my favorite people at my favorite cleans that I’m thinking about, haven’t decided yet, just might leave this company. Then see what they say. Ultimately, I will have to decide if I’m going to take the chance of pissing off the dragon lady by leaving with a few of her clients. I signed a contract. Does it hold any water? Am I willing to take the chance to find out when I’m living so hand-to-mouth anyway? Once I cross that line and break the contract (promise) that I made, Will I have the Puritanical guilt, that goes hand in hand with my WASP-y work ethic? We shall see. 

I have my favorite clients. There’s a retired couple who always meet me, together, at the door and we have a good chat before I start. The lady of the house does the master bathroom and the kitchen while I do everything else. She gives me a couple of those high grade jute cloths to use for dusting and polishing. The man of the house heads out to do the grocery and wine shopping. She offers tea and warm homemade muffins or cookies. They take Italian lessons and are truly delightful people. She pays me with old school checks, or cheques as it is on this side of the border.

At another clean, I iron dress shirts for a family, for the spiffy businessman dad. It’s a soothing chore although it involves shoulders. I remember my Grandma Jo’s disdain for ironing, especially men’s clothing since her first husband was a military man in the 40’s, Dear Gawd!. There were also polo shirts hanging in the same area for ironing. They can’t possibly expect me to iron fucking polo shirts. Are they from another Universe? Yes, the upper class universe, Alexine. Remember they don’t have BO or poop smears on toilet bowls either. Sheesh. 

I ask the same thing when it’s a particularly sweltering day and I see someone out for a run. Who are these fucking crazy people? Are they from another planet? I’ve pretty much lost my tolerance to the heat now that I live on this side of the border. 27 Celsius = 80 Fahrenheit = you’re a total wimp now Alexine!